I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
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If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude