impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”