Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.