It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Somebody’s lying.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.