Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one