send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.