Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.