Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
You Might Also Like
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?