“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
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I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.