6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
(True)
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee