When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
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To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
lmfao
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.