November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
You Might Also Like
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.