If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case