Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Science memes
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.