Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY