Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
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Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word