I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You Might Also Like
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.