Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I have obtained a hat
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
PARKOUR
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
What?!?
I’m awake but I object,
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
A roof is a house hat.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
umm…
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
courtroom exchange of the day
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”