Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.