I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.