I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd