Brands during Pride
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
me irl
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.