COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house