*frowns in Scottish*
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae