If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
you have three unread messages
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again