TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
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She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look