[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The internet is full of many things
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it