Does your wife know you’re single?
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Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing