The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Okey dokey.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes