My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.