We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Bobby pin
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
looks legit
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.