When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
🤣🤣
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is