There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
You Might Also Like
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.