I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Traveler’s camo
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…