In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
oh my gosh!!
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?