I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
You Might Also Like
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My work here is done
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
estão todos miauvindo?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.