alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.