I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You Might Also Like
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
#dnd #ttrpg
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.