Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy