tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
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I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”