When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath