Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
love it when they get my name right
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.