To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
You Might Also Like
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
so, is there a mister shapen head
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.