In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
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I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I think I’m having a stroke
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.