ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You Might Also Like
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please