My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
That’s it.I’m out.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
He wanted to make sure😂
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.