My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Pandas 🐼🖤
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?