victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.