No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
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A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause