Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.